We’ve all heard about her and no one wants to be her – the bossy mother of the bride or groom who can’t be controlled. She has a say in everything from the color of the cake’s frosting to the cut of the bridesmaid’s dresses. She has to have it her way and seems to forget one minor detail – it’s not her wedding! The excitement of a wedding, your daughter’s or son’s no less, can make even the sanest and sweetest mothers form some seriously overpowering opinions.  There are ways, however, for mothers to be involved without causing matrimonial melt-downs. Read on to learn how you can be your child’s wedding planning secret weapon as opposed to secret source of anxiety. 

Understand Your Emotions

It is supposed to be one of the happiest times of a mother’s life, but somehow a child’s engagement can be speckled with constant stress and disagreements. It’s important to understand why you find yourself obsessed with winning an argument over color schemes when you should be bursting with joy. 

“There is actually a lot of emotional subtext going on when moms are fighting over the colors of the napkins,” says Valerie Kay, a California Registered Psychological Assistant. Working for Integrated Psychology Associates, she often counsels mothers of bride and grooms. “A wedding is a joyous occasion, but for a mother, her role has shifted and it symbolizes a major, permanent change for her relationship with her child.”

According to Kay, it’s important that mothers acknowledge that while her child’s engagement is a happy time, it’s perfectly acceptable for it to be emotionally difficult as well. “A lot of the time, mothers aren’t addressing a level of loss or depression that the wedding is evoking for them,” Kay says. It’s the mother’s job, however, to not let her conflicting emotions trickle into her child’s excitement over the big day. “It is not appropriate for a bride or groom to be thinking about their mother’s needs,” she says.

Kay suggests mothers of the bride or groom have a designated friend to act as their support system during the planning process so that venting is never directed at the bride or groom. Another way to avoid making any remarks you may later regret? A simple journal. “Moms shouldn’t be constantly biting their tongues and this is a way for them to express those thoughts,” she says. “When she’s angry she can write her feelings as opposed to imposing them on the couple, in-laws, the florist or whoever.”

Communication Is Key

Wedding planners stress that the moms who are most helpful during the planning process are the ones who make it clear in the beginning they want to help and let their children establish what their roles will be.

“I suggest to avoid the hostile take-over, keep the lines of communication open,” says wedding planner Jennifer Brisman, president of Jennifer Brisman Weddings New York. “Have the conversations about finances in the beginning. They’re the hardest discussions to have, but it will alleviate pressure.”

After finances are discussed, mothers should ask how they can contribute and offer any special skills they may have, according to Sharon Naylor, wedding expert and author of The Mother-of-the-Bride Book and Mother of the Groom. Whether it’s reviewing contracts, baking, décor or using personal contacts, Naylor said there are plenty of opportunities for moms to help no matter what their forte.

Brisman, however, warns to offer your services, but not demand. “You could be your own florist with a 10-acre garden, but that doesn’t mean you’re the authority for the wedding,” she says. “Offer to be involved but let the bride take the next step to make sure it’s her vision.”

Naylor suggests mothers of the groom not be afraid to speak up and offer help, but make it clear there is no pressure involved. “Brides want to have help from their mother-in-laws, but if they want help with flowers for example, they don’t want to ask and it look like they’re asking for you to pay for them, so there is a shyness there,” she says. “Even if you’re not contributing financially, just ask how it’s going, be excited and enthusiastic. That’s even more important to a couple than just receiving a check.”