Ah, sangria and suckerpunches — is there anything that goes together quite as well? Well, when it comes to weddings, both should be avoided at all costs. The first will put you on the fast lane to sloppy town and the second is a direct route to rumbleville. But plenty of couples can handle their fire water and their fiery guests — it just takes a little foresight and planning like, well, the rest of your wedding experience.

This month's questions take on alcohol and evil step moms. And while it's never explicitly stated that the two are getting mixed up together, it's safe to guess that when you put some Cabernet in the hands of Cruella Deville, the claws will come out. So here's your unsolicited advice of the month: Friends don't let friends' step moms attend drunk. Alright, now for the real advice.

Pouring It On

We want to have an elegant wedding, but budget is an issue and we're trying to figure out where we can cut costs. My fiance suggested we give out drink tickets instead of having an open bar, but that is the tackiest thing I've ever heard. How do I convince him that we'll be the laughing stock of the wedding circuit if we do that? — Boozehounds in Bozeman

Dear Boozehound: I'm as thrifty as the next guy, but the one place where I recommend not skimping is at the bar. True story — as magical as our wedding was, Wifey and I were ready to leave about an hour into the reception. Frankly, we were bored, until the power of booze and The Beatles' “Twist and Shout” combined to create a truly memorable experience (with photos to prove it). Nevertheless, if you need to skimp there, I recommend having a limited open bar. This can be accomplished by making the bar open only during the cocktail hour or by making select drinks (certain beer and wine) gratis. If he's still bent on taking tickets, make a few ridiculous suggestions of your own -- like mini golf for the groomsmen on the morning of the wedding. Nothing says hokey like putting through a dinosaur's mouth. — K. A.

When Inlaws Attack

My fiance's parents are divorced and his father is married to a real piece of **** [KA: I've censored this, but let's just call her a 'real piece of work']. We need to figure out how to keep the peace at the wedding by keeping her away from my mother-in-law at all costs — including during the photo sessions where the ***** suggested we stagger the families to avoid any 'incidents.' This is just too much for me to handle. How can I get my fiance tell both sets of parents to behave without pissing them off? — Mediating in Memphis

Dear Mediator: I love domestic drama as much as anyone — if you don't believe me, my TiVo is loaded with Cops, Cheaters, and My Name is Earl — but weddings are no time for ugly arguments. They're for drinking! (See above.) While those TV shows might be fun to watch, schadenfreude has no place at the reception hall. There's two ways you can approach this issue: 1. Tell your husband-to-be to man-up and do what he has to do. If he really wants to have the same wedding experience that you do, he'll snap to it and keep the ***** in check. 2. Best Man-up, by asking your number two guy to do the dirty work. If he's part of the family, this should be no problem. But even if he isn't blood, it's the groomsmen's job to make sure the day goes off without a hitch. So tell them that they have to earn their open bar by staffing it like bouncers. — K. A.

Kevin Ackerman is a Certified Married Guy, as declared by some ordained minister in the State of Oregon. Other than surviving a wedding and being a man, he really has no other expertise. But when it comes to marriage, sometimes that's all it takes. Email him your question at oneman@wegobridal.com.