Communication — they say it's vital to a relationship. But who are 'they' anyway, and why can't we talk back to them? True story: Wifey and I were on the couch the other day. I was channel surfing, and she was reading. 'Cheaters' was on one channel, and 'TMZ' was on another. I put on 'Cheaters' and heard a faint sigh from the other corner of the couch. Then I changed the channel to 'TMZ,' and Wifey put down her book and rejoined the world. So, this communication they're all talking about — do we really need it? Absolutely. Without that well-placed sigh, I would have no idea that Wifey has little tolerance for girl fights and slimy TV show hosts. See? You think you know someone, and then they sigh.

The Silent Partner

Hi Kevin: So I had the perfect proposal — it exceeded my every expectation — and it is obvious that my fiance put a lot of time and thought into it. But now I am trying to make wedding plans and he seems completely disinterested. I don't expect him to care about the color of the table linens or flowers or even what the invitations look like, but when I try to discuss things like date and location, he just gives me a blank stare. I've tried talking to him about it, but he dodges the topic as if he were in front of a firing squad. Is he freaking out? Is he having second thoughts? Or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? How do I get some input (however minimal) without him looking at me like a deer in headlights? — Mental in Michigan

Dear Mental: I wonder what your man is telling you without even opening his mouth. Look for visual cues and non-verbal communication to see if he's ready to run for the hills and call the whole thing off. (A good sign is if he packs a bag when you bring up Save-the-Dates.) Some visual cues to look for are lack of eye contact or restless hands or feet. If you find that he's exhibiting these symptoms, resist the urge to make him squirm further. Instead, back off and try again. By doing this, you'll either ease him into a comfort zone to discuss the wedding, or you'll learn what his boundaries are. If you discover that his boundaries are anything matrimonial, you might want to take a direct approach and ask him what's going on. Or — and this is just the devious advice man in me — you could just start picking out wedding decor that you're certain he will hate. I'm telling you — guys don't really know what they want in a wedding, but they know what they don't want, and they'll speak up and tell you that. — K. A.

When Catholic Guilt Attacks

Hi Certified Married Guy. I have a problem. My fiance is dead set on a church wedding, even though neither one of us attends, and — truth be told — we aren't even religious! But he was raised Catholic and thinks his mom will be happy with it, yada, yada, yada, so he's insisting on the church. I feel like a hypocrite. What to do? — Hypocrite in Hialeah

Hi Hypocrite: First off, I feel your pain (and not in a faith-healer) sort of way. I too was raised Catholic and now worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster. As a result, I was pretty certain that if I wasn't married in a church then my parents would send in the regrets card. I tossed and turned on this issue for many nights because I knew if there actually is a hell, it would be more likely that I'd be sent down to it for being fraudulently married in a church than for not believing in God and being married in a field, a park, or wherever else.
So, I did what any good Catholic-raised boy would do — I asked my Mom. Despite being into the whole God thing, she told me that my wedding day was for me and my bride-to-be. It is not for the guests; it is not for the priests; and it is not for the staff of the Spaghetti Factory (she was specific on this point, knowing my Pastafarian beliefs). In the end, we kept that in mind as we walked down the aisle — of the movie theater where we got married. — K. A.

Kevin Ackerman is a Certified Married Guy, as declared by some ordained minister in the State of Oregon. Other than surviving a wedding and being a man, he really has no other expertise. But when it comes to marriage, sometimes that's all it takes. Email him your question at oneman@wegobridal.com.