One Man's Opinion

Project Runaway

By Kevin Ackerman

“Either you're in, or you're out.” I'm not sure who said it first, Yogi Berra... the Dali Llama... but it was definitely not Heidi Klum. Either way, it's good advice for men in regards to marriage and weddings. These are not waters that you can just dip your toe in. You need to dive in headfirst, or take your little water wings and go home. Here are two examples where there seems to be something funny in the water.

The Boyfriend Ultimatum
Dear Kevin: Should I give my boyfriend an ultimatum on marriage? We've talked about it ad naseum, and he knows that I want to get married sooner rather than later. After 4.5 years of dating, we just moved in together, and I want to put a limit on how long we cohabitate before the subject comes up again. Is it okay to give him a deadline? —Indecisive

Dear Indecisive: Woah. Woah. Hold on there. And again, woah. The answer to this question depends on how long 'just' is in terms of the solar calendar. Did you 'just' move in together last week? Did you 'just' move in together last month? Last quarter moon?
The reason I'm asking this is that if you just moved in together, I'm betting your yoga DVDs are still feeling uncomfortable around his “Old School” Unrated Edition disc. The photos you took on your backpacking trek through Europe look awkward next to his Jim Belushi poster. And your Tangerine Nectar doesn't know what to make of his Mountain Dew Amp'd in the fridge.
My point is, moving in together can be a stressful, awkward transition for even the best couples. Pouring wedding pressure onto that fire is likely to make a flare-up of ugly proportions. You may soon find that you're arguing more than ever, rather than enjoying this cozy new setup you've made for each other.
Instead of giving him a deadline, give one to yourself. Wait until you're settled and your life with your live-in boyfriend seems to be exactly what you hoped it would be. Then, pop the question: When are you going to pull down those beer signs from college and oh, I don't know, marry me? —K.A.

Vowing to Help
Dear Kevin: My husband and I have been married nearly 5 years (in February) but we were married overseas, so we never had a ceremony. We originally planned to renew our vows when we hit the five year mark. This is something that I've always dreamed about, because I want to have memories and pictures to look back on. Sometimes it seems like my husband is interested in planning a wedding, but other times it seems like it is not a big deal to him. I really want to start planning, but I want it to be something we do together, not just me planning something because he said that it was okay. Please help! —The One Girl Team

Hey One Girl: One Man here. It seems to me that your man is stuck in a rut, so to speak. And just like when your pickup is spinning out in a bunch of mud, the only way to get him out is to get behind him and push. Then, once he comes loose, gun it.
Seriously, that's my advice. Look at it this way. For five years your husband has gotten by without having to leap over one of the biggest hurdles to being married: the wedding. I won't say he's lazy or complacent, because that's a commentary on his character that may not be fair or true. But it's obvious he's used to not planning big events (really, who is?), and if I had to guess, he'd just as soon keep it that way.
While it's tempting to sit back and let life happen around us, what's more rewarding is grabbing life and making it worth remembering. To remind him of this, try tracking down his parents' wedding album and flip through it while he's nearby. The images of all the happy friends and family will surely have an effect, and will get him moving in the right direction. —K.A.