One Man's Opinion

Liquids and Courage

By Kevin Ackerman

People do a lot of crazy things when they’re drinking — that’s why so many 900-number commercials are on TV after the bars close. And being drunk on love is no exception to that rule — why do you think so many of those 900-numbers are sex hotlines? But sobriety eventually ensues and people become responsible for their inebriated actions (when the phone bill arrives, for example). 
 
This month, one reader asks about including an open bar in her wedding and another asks about closing the deal on her engagement. On the face of it, these two tales of woe are disparate, but really they’re both about holding people responsible for their decisions. If you decide to ask for someone’s hand in marriage, you’re responsible for setting a wedding date. If you decide to drink at a wedding, you’re responsible for not embarrassing anyone. And if you decide to host an open bar, you’re then responsible for what happens when the DJ plays the Chicken Dance. Read on.
 
Glass Half Empty
 
Dear Kevin: My fiancé and I are getting married in June. We do not drink — I hate the taste and he prefers water. He is insisting on a cash bar, mostly because one of his parents is an alcoholic and he does not want to pay for that person to get drunk. While I do not want to encourage alcoholism and drunkenness at our formal wedding ceremony, I know that having an open bar is generally expected and makes the reception a lot more enjoyable for our guests.  My fiancé had no issue paying for the champagne for our guests during the toasts, but will not compromise with me on the bar situation at all. I had suggested that we at least pay for beer for our guests, but my fiancé absolutely refused. His bottom line opinion is that if any of our guests want to drink, then they can pay for it. I am almost at the point of sneaking behind his back and paying for a keg or two myself without his knowledge. After all, he has left the majority of the planning up to me and I doubt he would even notice, but I think I would have a pretty bad taste in my mouth for a long time if I did that. Do you have any suggestions for me? — Dry Bar Barbara

Dear Barbara: I identify with your dilemma more than you realize. I’ve got a rehabbed alcoholic in-law, and the open bar was a point of contention between Wifey and I — except our issue was whether it would be full or partial bar. We’d been to our share of dry weddings, and even though we don’t hit the bottle hardly ever anymore, we both recognized that sometimes a little lubrication helps ease in the good times.
 
But unlike your scenario, the booze was fine by our Al-Anon set. Instead it was the tea-tottlers who caused the biggest problems, trying to do the Macarena during ‘The YMCA’ and blabbering on about their own wedding day 40-somethign years ago to anyone in ear shot. Luckily we didn’t have any drunken cryers, and actually we had a lot of funny stories to tell the next morning over breakfast. All in all, if we could do anything differently, we wouldn’t. We’d still have an open bar and let the drinkers revel, the non-drinkers order club sodas, and everyone feel welcome and comfortable. Then again, we didn’t really have a choice since we were married in a brewery.

Rush to Judgement
 
Help! My fiance has backed way off. I'll give you a little history. He had asked me out for about 4 months before I finally said yes, but from the first date we both knew it was meant to be. I joke and say I came over on Valentine's Day last year and never left. We went out for my birthday on February 17 and the next morning he asked me to marry him. A few weeks later he bought me a gorgeous engagement ring! We moved in together a few months later and both agreed we wanted to wait at least a year from the day we started dating to get married. That’s as far as it has gone, and now he won't set a wedding date. The other day I  asked him to set the date or I would call the engagement off. He replied asking, “Why can't we just date?” I didn't hold a gun to his head and force him to propose... so what gives? — Linda in Limbo

Dear Linda: I’ve got to admit the whole ‘endless engagement’ has always confused me. I mean, why get engaged and wait to set a date? Isn’t that what being engaged is all about — you’re planning on getting married. It just doesn’t work if you don’t set an end date.
 
But you want to know about the mindset of your man, not my confusion. Getting married is not a decision to take lightly, no matter what People Magazine and US Weekly says. I know you know that this is true — and I have proof. You were so reluctant to date your betrothed that you refused his advances for 4 months! Dating is a temporary thing and you put it off for almost half a year. Being married is forever (except in L.A.) — so shouldn’t he be allowed to take his time in deciding as well?
 
I’m not saying you’re not meant to be together or that you have no right to ask him to set a date. But rather than laying down ultimatums and demanding wedding dates, try talking to him and seeing how he feels and why he’s got cold feet. Maybe even be tricky about it and tell him that you’re not sure that you’re ready to set a date yet, to see how he’d respond. Maybe by doing that you can help to ease some of his tension and remind him why he proposed after less than a month in the first place.