One Man's Opinion

Dressed to Impress

By Kevin Ackerman


I might get a stern talkin-to by the folks who run this website for admitting this, but neither me nor wifey put all that much time in when choosing our ceremonial dress for the big day. Sure, she had dreams of an expensive designer dress, but eventually went with something reasonable, simple, and elegant. Meanwhile, I always thought I'd buy my tux, but when guest lists and seating charts gobbled up all my time, Mr. Tux bailed me out.
 
Sure, most brides and grooms are not as compromising as we were, but now, as I write this, I realize this is the first time I've thought about what I wore since I took it off. So if I have one bit of unsolicited advice, it's to keep that in mind. Now for the advice that people have actually asked for.
 
A Perfect Mess
 
Dear Kevin: So me and my mom must've spent two months looking, and I've finally found the wedding dress of my dreams. There's only one problem – I'm terrified that my husband-to-be will hate it. One day he and I were talking about what he imagined my dress would look like, and it's nothing at all like what I've picked out. Everyone I ask says that it's not a big deal and that he'll love it anyway, but I'm not so sure. What should I do? – Dressed in Dallas
 
Dear Dressed: You know, it's hard to answer questions like this one without knowing your man from Adam, but as the most average man going (hair: blondish/brownish; build: medium; height: 5'8”), I think I can field an answer without missing the mark all that much. In short, you could wear a potato sack, and he'd still want to rip it off you by the time he carries you over the threshold. Truth be told, us fellahs aren't a terribly stylish bunch, and even metrosexuals don't know a boat neck from a scoop. Even if he does skim through your Modern Bride magazines, he's not likely to have enough of an opinon to voice it – especially not on the wedding day. And after that, it doesn't make sense to complain about it either, so I say, let it fly.
 
However, there is one thing I would add to that advice. If you are going to wear a potato sack, dye it white and make sure your shoes are killer.
 
If It's Not Scottish, It's Crap
 
Dear Kevin: Ever since me and my fiance started talking about getting married – way back on our 6 month anniversary date -- he has talked about what he'd like to wear in the wedding: a kilt. Yeah, so he's half Scottish, but still, I don't want my man wearing a skirt on our big day. How do I break the news to him? Or do I even have the right? – Mrs. McLovin-to-be
 
Dear McLovett: Again, answering this question is hard, because I don't know exactly how Scottish your hubby-to-be is. Thankfully, I've spent some times with the folks at the Scottish Consulate and we have developed a quick quiz to not only measure the scottishnicity (their word, not mine) of your fiance, but also his entitlement to wear the beloved tartan.
 
1. How many times has had haggis in the last 3 years? (Add one point per dish)
 
2. Does he know what date Burn's Night falls on? (Add one point if he does)
 
3. Does he attempt to do a Scottish accent ever? (Subtract one point if yes, Add one point if no)
 
4. Has he actually been to Scotland? (Add one point if yes)
 
5. Does he have hairy legs? (Add one point if no, Subtract one point if yes)
 
6. Does he have shaved legs? (Unless he's a Tour de France rider, Subtract one point if yes)
 
7. Does he know all the words to Braveheart? (Add one point if he does... but I feel sorry for you)
 
8. Does he have red hair and freckles? (Just let the poor guy wear the dress already.)
 
9. Has he ever competed in a stump throwing competition? (Seriously, he's earned it. Let him wear what he wants.)
 
10. Has he ever said to you “I luv ya... always huv,”? (Compromise – tell him he can wear it if he never quotes Braveheart again.)